Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

View from my studio window in Vermont

I have been struggling a bit lately with making a decision about whether or not to go to the Vermont Studio Center in February. I have been accepted, I received a partial grant for the cost, paid my deposit, but still have to pay a good chunk of money in the next week or so.

Like so many others these days, our finances are tight. My income has all but evaporated, and while Doug is still doing ok, he does sell a high priced luxury item to people with money, and it is looking like there might be fewer of them around anymore.

While technically I do have the money to pay the remaining fee, I am hesitant to do so, mostly because I am concerned about the next few months or the next few years even. I hope there will be some sort of optimistic financial burst after Obama takes office, however that sure isn't anything to count on. I think this country's economic troubles go much deeper than that.

On the other hand I would really like to go. For the social reasons of course, I rarely get to spend any time with fellow artists in my real life, but also because I really want to get focused on the figurative work. I have wasted much time in the last few months and much of it seems to revolve around the computer, that stupid yet awesome thing! Anyway, I really want to find my groove with the figurative stuff and I am pretty sure that I need a different environment to do it.

But of course there is no guarantee of that either. While I did get started on this series last year in Vermont, I was derailed a bit when I got home, plagued by insecurities and worries about what I doing. It took me awhile to get over it and this year I won't have the time for all that craziness. I have a solo show set for April and will have to do a good portion of the work for that in March after I get back from Vermont. Keeping my wits about me, as well as my self confidence in check would really help, but sheesh, it seems as risky to count on that as it is to think the economy will be all hunky dory soon, and my paintings will start to sell again, making all this affordable, in which case I can better justify going, even if I may be a raving lunatic for a bit afterward.

Like how I tied all that together?

Sigh. I suspect I will be going. I don't think I can resist all the good things about it, and since there are no other costs involved (room and board is part of the fee, really excellent food, I might add) I can maybe deal with the financial aspect. I think I will just have to work on the confidence thing and not let the art of the conceptual artists intimidate this ol' pretty much representational kind of girl.

Steely resolve, that's what I need to work on. heh.