Friday, December 1, 2006
The Real Meltdown
Light Beyond the Dark, 2006, Oil on Panel, 16x20
Well, folks, I have to admit that I am really struggling here. I know it'll pass, I know that I haven't permanently lost my ability to paint but right now it feels as if I can't do anything right. Actually, that's only partially true-the underpaintings I have done recently have been good. It's the color that has really been giving me a hard time. I just can't seem to get the colors right. I can't decide what to start with and I keep envisioning which color would come next-which paralyzes me. Normally I don't think that much when I am doing the color, but now I can't stop thinking. I feel as if I keep using the same colors over and over, even though I am not. I feel blocked when I sit down and look at all of my paint tubes to decide what to start with for the day. None of them look appealing to me lately.
To make it worse, of the seven images I sent to the gallery for approval, two were rejected (including the one above). I know they aren't awful, they just may not appeal to the director for whatever reason. And none of the new pieces will be included on the postcard. That image will be of a piece that is already in the gallery's inventory. It's a nice piece and it will look great. But still. The timing of all of this is just bad. I had a very unproductive day in the studio Thursday, only getting color onto one single, stupid painting. And I am really starting to feel the pressure to get this work finished and I am worried that I won't be able to pull it out of the bag, so to speak.
Now this is a true post show meltdown. Not the one I lightheartedly joked about a few weeks ago but the real one, the nasty one that strips me of all of my confidence and energy and vision.
But today is another day. And I will try again.